Well the onslaught of education prep is at my door... I'll be going back to school in June, on the way to my Bachelors, Master's and Doctorate. I might as well go the whole nine yards.. I've got the time, I'll have some help (the AF will assist in Master's degrees and Doctorate's in the medical field). 

Fun times doing the FAFSA prep, not really though.. trying to find grants for an online school? that's another nightmare. Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with the VA to figure out what kind of assistance I'll have. At least TA is back for the AF, sure it pays everything in retrograde, but at least it's there and able to pay for the much needed school I'll have. I'm hoping to get my BA entirely online, and then do my masters in residence at Colorado University in Boulder. Doctorate... well that's really far from now, I want it, will need it, so we'll just see. The AF may start using me as a counselor with my masters, so they may move me to a different state for my Doctorate training.

None the less the next few years are relatively predictable, which is a little comforting for me. Of course, it won't be what I pictured... I had thought by my age I'd have a stable 9-5 with decent enough pay to live in my own apartment, paying all my bills, upgrading and turning in my 2003 for a better used car from Carmax, live in a nice neighborhood, have a garage, and actual space. 

Hopefully the colorado move will help in the space, sure I'll be living with someone, but also we are looking at houses, so there will be more breathing room. What I do have to look forward to is once I'm a commissioned officer, I can have those other things, live alone, just me and the dog, with a decent sized home, wether it be an apartment or small house. Yes, I am an incredibly private person, I really enjoy being alone in my home... I don't enjoy being alone socially, but still. I look forward to possibly growing a new group of friends in CO and having house parties (in the responsible sense). Here in CA I've always been ashamed of my nook, yes, I do have a nook, and it's nice on the inside... but the neighborhood is pretty bad.. a lot of bars on windows kinda place.. and in the past few weeks we've had 4 fly overs from the sheriff, looking for persons. I take preventative measures to secure my home, but there's always concern when I leave. Especially with Gibson, because the fence around my home is terrible, the landlord knows, but refuses to replace it. So I do my best with what I've got. Speaking of, when that tree fell and broke part of the back fence, Gib can jump it and get out, he hasn't yet, but it's damn tempting..as well as dangerous all around. It would be nice not to live in a craptastic area, as well as a place that's not broken down. 

I look forward to a full kitchen, getting to eat healthy and have a workout buddy. 

There are drawbacks, but I've got to deal. At least 3 more years till I'm living alone, and I'll really love it. 

Well, I've got to work on my school stuff... 

I wish you the best, and much love.. - MW

Well it's K's last day here in CA.. 

We briefly texted yesterday, and from what I gather, we may have dinner in Corona this evening. Thing is, she hasn't been feeling well since last week, and it's bugging her that she's not better. We don't have a time or place set, and I haven't heard a peep from her today. 

I tried being cordial and saying good morning and also wished her feeling better today. 

Silence. 

It's two in the afternoon, so I'm guessing if I don't hear soon... that dinner is not going to happen. I know, two years and some odd months for the hopeful reconciliation and it may not happen in person today. I'm honestly surprised at the lack of communication, I know she may be not thrilled at her current disposition, but one would hope that she's at least somewhat engaged in the happenings. I am doing the best I can to give her the benefit of the doubt here.. I know she felt distant yesterday in her texts, and I understand her frustration. What I don't understand is the non communication. She just didn't seem to be that kinda girl. 

It's not a good feeling to be left hanging about this, wether or not it's her choice. She came here with her sister and her sister doesn't want her driving the her car. Well.. over a month ago I got K's letter, asking me to dinner. Was this not discussed between K and her sister? as of course mobility is key in this meeting. A bit unfair and unkind of her sister to do that to her when she's finally here in CA. Right?

I don't know.. all I do know is that the silence is tough to handle when I've been really looking forward to this dinner. 

It would really suck to not have the time with her, and establish some friendly connection between us. We've never met in person, so that would be awesome too. I'd like to see where she stands with things, rather than step out onto a plank and just dangle there. I sent letters before I left for Oregon and Colorado, didn't receive a reply to them while I was gone, so I know not at how she feels at establishing a communication with me. Intermittent texts aren't really up the alley of a friendship or actively growing one, right? More overthinking.. my brain is killing me. 

Honestly, I guess if I don't hear from her by 5pm that the shot is over and done with. 

It just really sucks that there's been nothing communication wise that's fluid between us... ok, honestly, it hurts. 

I wish her the best if we don't have dinner, and I guess it will be just as it is.. the ball is in her court, I'm not going to chase her down if she doesn't have any interest. I do, most certainly, but I can only try so much before I feel I'm being overwhelming to her. It's not right to do if someone doesn't want you in their life.. 

Dinner or not.. at least I've got a place to let this out. 

I wish you all the best, and much love

- MW

Time is crawling by, as if the hourglass is glued to the table.. each grain sifting through the funnel at a snails pace. 

I have too much time on my hands. 

I cleaned house today, finished watching the L word on netflix, called unemployment to yet again not get a person, so I'm still out my first payment of UI. I'm pissed about that, that's near my rent, and of course, money is tight being unemployed, so that doesn't make life comfortable at all right now. Gibson got a long bath, he's nice and clean, smells great. 

I cooked dinner/lunch till next week. 90% of what I'll be eating for the next few months is entirely liquid, so thankfully I don't have to cook much at all anymore. Bittersweet, as I do actually enjoy cooking. 

Two of my dear friends told me to grow a pair and just call K about LA. Of course it's easier for someone who's an outsider. I'm stuck in the fact that I don't want to smother her, but I also do really need the kindness of an answer and confirmation. 

Tomorrow I get back to my weekend work at the barn. I'm a working student at my old horseback riding barn in Del Mar. I get paid in horseback riding lessons, of course it's not glamorous, but that's ok. It's simple, honest, plain work. It soothes me when I'm brushing the horses, talking to them as I lead them to the turnout and let them go wild. Feels good. Me around horses = the happy, settled me. A rare sight for almost anyone who's ever encountered me. Yes, I really don't know how to relax, save for around horses, or beside a woman I love... simple answers, hard to find answers none the less. 

I'm hoping that the weekend will go by a bit faster, I'll be at the barn 9a-4p, and then home to Gibson. Hopefully the sun will tire me out tomorrow as well.. I've been having such trouble with my sleep. Extraordinary trouble. Maybe 3 hours a night. I've been trying the hypno therapy lessons a friend gave me, but I feel myself getting restless within minutes.. irritated like there are ants all over me. My sleep is also ruining my weight. It's keeping me fat.. as everyone knows, good sleep = burning fat. 

Tomorrow I'll hit the gym early, and I'll be working with the horses, so I'll be constantly moving. I start crossfit again on the 1st. I'm determined to drop 20 lbs in 3 months. I think it's reasonable, I know I've been able to lose 9 in one month, so why not?

Well I best go and eat dinner. 

 Much love to you all - MW